SEX AND TENNIS

Watching the US OPEN tennis tournament the past week, I had a sudden revelation: women are not faking it when they make all those noises during sex. Before you scratch your head and think I'm some weird pervert who's turned on by those oh-so-short tennis skirts and the beads of sweat dangling on the downy hairs of some twenty-two year old's bronzed and shapely arms (which, of course, I am) let me explain.

Surely you've noticed that generally most women make a lot of sounds during sex, while men are usually grimly focused upon the task at hand, silent save for a gratuitous primal grunt or a little low moan at the moment of climax. I know you all watch porn, and have you ever heard the dude screaming his lungs out with carnal ecstasy? I think most of us would be embarrassed for such a dude. But the ladies? Scream away, girls; your high-pitched staccato shrieking, orgasmic caterwauling, violent panting, breathless exhortations to go faster, harder, deeper, well, that enhances the ambiance and really gets guys' blood racing.

To be honest, I sometimes wondered if a lot this lascivious noise-making was a bit of acting. Ever since that scene in When Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan demonstrated to Billy Crystal how women fake orgasms, us guys have had our moments of doubt as to the sincerity of our female partner's audio expressions of enthusiasm. Being the better half of the species and certainly less selfish than men, women are willing to do what it takes to make their partner happy, even if that means ridiculously dramatic siren calls of delight, which sometimes are so loud and horrific that neighbors feel the need to call the cops because they think someone is being murdered in the next apartment over.

Okay, so what does this have to do with tennis? The other day, I was watching Sharapova at the OPEN. You can't just watch her (and she is easy on the eyes), you also have to listen to her as her sound effects are the best (or the worse, depending upon your perspective) in the game. I actually don't find hers and other lady tennis players' yelps and keening to be all that attractive; in fact it's downright annoying. I believe Monica Seles was the first to start vocalizing her exertions, and some of her opponents early on complained that her screechings distracted them greatly. (Who knows, but maybe her noises sufficiently agitated that guy who stabbed her in the back during a match in Germany years ago.) But now, it seems like most women tennis players have their respective "stylings" when it comes to emanations on the court; whereas men players are more focused on the task at hand, silent save for a gratuitous primal grunt and a little low moan at the moment of climax. Hey, haven't I said that already?

So we've come full circle back to sex. It dawned on me while watching Sharapova that women must have a natural inclination to express themselves vocally while involved in an intense physical activity, whether it's tennis or sex. And so guys, more than likely the sex noises that turn us on so much are not fake! I bet you all now feel really relieved.

And so kick back and watch some tennis. Turn the volume down if you want to. And watch those little beads of sweat roll down those lovely tanned arms....