The banking firm, UBU (no one knows for sure, but most think the acronym stands for United Bank of the Universe), announced today that November 30 will henceforth be Bring Your Mistress to Work Day.
In explaining this unorthodox policy, UBU's president, Dennis Priapas, said, "We here at UBU believe firmly that honesty is the best policy, that the truth will set you free. C'mon, we all know that the sexy kitten voice calling in for one our colleagues on the trading floor is not the dude's wife. If it was his wife, the voice would be screeching that he had to put some more dough in her checking account because her credit card was maxed out, or something like that. There's not much to admire about the French, but they do have it right when it comes to the mistress issue. Like when that guy Mitterand died and both his mistress and wife were sitting in the front row pew at the funeral and not an eye blinked. Now that was cool!"
For Mr. Priapas, Bring Your Mistress to Work Day is a natural extension of the one day a year when workers are allowed to bring their children to the office. "Mistresses are after all sort of like family, in a way, kind of," he said in a faltering attempt to rationalize.
UBU plans to mark the occasion with a competition to crown Queen Mistress of the Holiday Party. "Our annual holiday party comes up a couple of weeks later, so we thought it would be neat to annoint one of these gals as a kind of hostess for the party," Mr. Priapas said with a leer. The event will include a swimsuit competition to take place on the trading floor. Each mistress will also submit an essay describing the funniest time that she and her man almost got caught. Mr. Priapas said that the competition may also include an athletic contest, like mud wrestling.
Priapas is also contemplating having a Mistress Swap or an auction where individuals can bid for a date with one of the ladies. He was quick to add that all proceeds from such an event would go to a charity yet to be designated.
According to Mr. Priapas, "deep down, every guy wants everyone in the world to know about the hot babe he's keeping on the side....everybody but his wife, that is. Bring Your Mistress to Work Day only fulfills that need for the world to know that da man is still a stud!" He went on to say that most gentlemen find it a tremendous relief to finally bring the little secret out in the open. On that point, he said that strict rules of confidentialty will be enforced. "What happens at UBU stays at UBU," he said.
"And of course we are going to be politically correct about this and let any female worker bring that special, secret Mr. Mister to work on that day as well. Or if someone happens to have a paramour of the same gender, they can bring him or her." After a moment of reflection, he added, "Now that would be a hoot, wouldn't it? A double outing where you let people know that you are both a cheater and queer!"
No everyone at UBU was pleased with this news. One veteran banker was heard to grump, "What the hell have we sunk to? Nothing is more gauche than being seen with your mistress in the daytime. I tell you it's been a slippery slope ever since they let people come to work in casual clothes."
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