CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT FILED AGAINST INVESTMENT BANK

(APP, NEW YORK) A lawsuit was filed in Federal Court yesterday against the investment banking firm, Morgan Schfinkter & Co., alleging that the firm discriminates against a specific ethnic class of employees. The plaintiff filing the suit is the Gaelic Society of Certified Financial Analysts. The lawsuit charges that Morgan Schfinkter has systematically replaced research analysts of Irish ancestry with those from Indian and other East Asian backgrounds. The company's hiring pattern, according to the lawsuit, displays a "conscious and willful" bias.

"This is outsourcing of the worst kind," said Seamus Finnerty, spokesperson for the plaintiff, at a news conference on the courthouse steps. "They are knocking good, hard working Irish-Americans out of high-paying jobs and bringing in coolies from India at significantly less than what they were paying before." The Gaelic Society later issued an apology for Mr. Finnerty's "unfortunate" use of any terms that might offend any particular ethnic group.

"Morgan Schfinkter goes out of its way to kowtow to these Indians while neglecting the needs of its Irish-American employees," Mr. Finnerty claimed. He cited as an example that the firm now serves Indian fare at its cafeteria on Wednesdays. "But what do they do for the Irish?" he shouted, waving his arms as he increasingly got his "Irish up." "Why did they discontinue serving Irish cuisine on St. Patrick's Day? It used to be that on that day employees were feted with corned beef and cabbage, boiled potatoes dyed green, and sandwiches named after great Irish writers like the James Joyce turkey club or the absurd Samuel Beckett pastrami with mayo on Wonder Bread. But not anymore! The only thing green in the cafeteria that day was sag paneer!"

The lead case in the class-action suit is that of Brian O'Reilly. Mr. O'Reilly at one time was an associate analyst covering the automobile sector. He was dismissed from the firm in August of last year. Shortly afterwards, the firm hired a Mr. Swaraj Dhingra to replace him.

Mr. Finnerty pointed out that O'Reilly had been at the firm for almost a year, had graduated from St. John's with a 3.2 GPA, and was close to obtaining an MBA from Fordham University's evening Executive MBA program. "And despite his hard work, Mr. O'Reilly was unceremoniously dumped on his keister by Morgan Schfinkter," Mr. Finnerty stated. "And they brought in this Swaraj fellow, making a big ta-do over him just because he was first in his class at Harvard Business School."

Spokesperson for Morgan Schfinkter, Mr. Gautam Chowdhury, characterized Mr. Finnerty's claims as "a bunch of blarney." He said that the record will show that Mr. O'Reilly had been demoted from associate research analyst to junior research associate after writing a report advising investors to "back up the truck and load up on Delphi stock" as it was a "given" that GM would throw its supplier a lifeline. The next day, Delphi shares began their descent from $10 per share to ten cents.

Mr. Chowdhury went on to say that the firm had no choice but to dismiss Mr. O'Reilly after the latter had logged an excessive number of sick days due to a chronic illness that caused headaches, drowsiness, bleary-eye, and a craving for protein rich foods.

Mr. Chowdhury had no comment when a reporter suggested that the chronic illness sounded a lot like a chronic hangover.

The spokesperson added that Morgan Schfinkter employed Irish Americans "by the scores." When pressed, he admitted that only two of said employees were research analysts while the vast majority worked as municipal bond salespersons.

Mr. Finnerty ended his news conference with an ominous tone. "And don't think it's going to stop with the Irish. Once they have got rid of us, the Dagos are next." Again, the Gaelic Society of CFA's apologized for its spokeperson's unfortunate language.

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